


Close my eyes

by xxawalkinwonderlandxx



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Becho Breakup, Clarke is tired, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I don’t know how to tag this, Loss of loved ones, Mentions of almost committing suicide, but that’s not the center of the story, but there’s a lot of feelings, but they finally talk, it does happen though, so is Bellamy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21866077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxawalkinwonderlandxx/pseuds/xxawalkinwonderlandxx
Summary: At the end of episode 13, Clarke wants to sleep, but everything she’s been through comes back to her and then Bellamy shows up at her door.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 142





	Close my eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by “Close My Eyes” by Unions — I was watching “I Still See You” with Richard Harmon and this song came on at the end and, of course, my mind went “oh, Bellarke”
> 
> But I suggest checking out the song and the movie because I love them both and the movie was absolutely wonderful :)

After returning to Sanctum and seeing Bellamy, Clarke decided that she needed to sleep. She’s barely been able to close her eyes with fear gripping her and believing that she was going to get body snatched again. Tired doesn’t begin to explain how she feels, but the last time she felt this way was the day of Priamfaya when she watched everyone leave and almost died. It’s a hollow, broken, emptiness that makes her feel as if she’s being weighed down and can barely move her feet towards her room. Well, technically, it’s _Josephine’s_ room. 

Clarke doesn’t look at anything as she makes her way to the bed. She kicks off the boots they put her in and peels off the jacket, throwing it somewhere off to the side. She unzips the leather vest and throws it to the side too before taking off her pants and sliding under the covers. There’s a deep ache in her chest and she rolls onto her side, hoping that it’ll lessen the crushing feeling.

 _All I’ve ever wanted, is to save the people I love_. The thought goes through her mind and before she can think anything else, there’s tears rolling down her cheeks and onto the pillow beneath her head. In the dark silence of the bedroom, it’s almost as if she can see her first days on Earth accompanied by the drawings in her mind. _All we wanted was peace_.

“We did do better, I have to believe that counts.” Bellamy’s voice echoes in her mind and a sharp pain shoots through her chest. 

“How can you see if you’ve lost or you’ve won?” Clarke whispers into the darkness.

 _You can’t, and you never will,_ the voice inside her head says. And that’s what is so terrible about this, she never could see if they won or not. Not when the grounders attacked, not in Mount Weather, not with ALIE...none of it. _Because neither side won_ , she thinks, _there was always something to lose no matter what I did_.

She thinks of her people, the original hundred. She thinks of Wells and how she never got to tell him everything she wanted to say. She thinks of when she incited a riot against Murphy which almost led to him dying, then to Charlotte who did die. She thinks of everyone she lost on the ground and recites their names like a prayer _Atom, John, Diggs, Roma, Dax, Fox, Maya..._ and images of Jasper, Monty, and Harper flash in her mind and she begins to cry more. 

Clarke realizes she never allowed herself to properly grieve for Monty and Harper, and Jasper’s death, she knows, is on her. _Nearly 131_ _years and not a day goes by where I don’t see your face, Jasper_. She thinks back to her gun that got left on Earth and all of the names that she had carved into it. It was her homage to her friends, her fellow delinquents, and the lives that she knew she would never see again...

The pain in her chest expands until it feels as if she’s being engulfed by it with no way to dull it. She may have been asleep for 125 years, but her heart is still on Earth as she watches everyone pile into the Eligius ship so they can run from another Priamfaya, still mourning over the loss of one of her friends that killed himself _six years ago_. She’s still there.

It all becomes too much and Clarke buries her head into her pillow, not caring about being quiet as the pain she’s feeling gets released. Her father, Monty, her mother, almost losing Madi...she thought that maybe she would be able to truly let herself be happy when they first got here, but it’s brought her nothing but heartache and misery. Clarke’s eyes are screwed shut as she cries and she wonders if there will ever be a time where she can feel at peace, or if she’s just destined for pain in her attempts to prevent it from spreading to others. 

She couldn’t tell you how long she cries, or who all may have heard her, but by the time a soft knock comes at her door she just feels drained and is willing herself to go to sleep. She hasn’t dreamed in she doesn’t know how long, and she wants to remember what it’s like to forget about reality for a couple of hours.

Clarke tries to call to whoever knocked on her door, but her voice doesn’t want to work. As a result, she has to force her body to move as she climbs out of the bed and wraps the blanket around her. She knows it’s not Madi, because Madi would’ve walked in after knocking, and even though she doesn’t want to get her hopes up, she wonders if it’s Bellamy…

She opens the door slightly and keeps herself from the light of the hallway. She has to blink her eyes a few times to see the person clearly, but she knows it’s Murphy, even through the haze.

“Bellamy told me to come check on you when he left.”

 _Right, the anomaly._ Clarke doesn’t trust her voice to work so she nods her head. Neither of them say anything for what feels like an eternity and when Clarke goes to shut her door, Murphy’s foot sticks out, stopping it. 

“He meant verbal confirmation.”

“Tell him I was asleep.” Clarke’s voice sounds broken and distant, even to her own ears, and the way Murphy looks at her makes her uneasy. 

“And people are wondering what to do next.”

Clarke rolls her eyes then turns to head back to the bed, leaving the door open. She can hear Murphy follow her, but he doesn’t shut the door. If he did, he probably wouldn’t be able to see to navigate the room.

“You’re asking the wrong person, Murphy.”

“You’re supposed to be our leader.” Murphy says as he throws himself into a chair. 

“I never wanted to be.” Clarke mumbles as she sits down on the bed, still wrapped up in the comforter. “People die when I’m in charge. I’m not god and I never wanted to try to be. I did what I did—”

“To protect your people.”

“Right, but _I never wanted it_.”

“No one wants half the shit they’re put through, Clarke, but you can’t change that.” Murphy sighs and leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “This isn’t you.”

“How would you know what’s me?” Clarke snaps and she can see Murphy’s eyes go hard. _Like Murphy from the first days on the ground_. “The Clarke you knew died on that irradiated planet.”

“Clarke—”

“A part of her died when she laid on the floor of Becca’s lab with radiation burns all over her body and the rest of her died the day she fell to her knees in the desert and put a gun to her head. When I walked into Shallow Valley that day, I swore my days of fighting were over and the Clarke you came back to _didn’t want to fight_.”

“But you are a fighter! You’ve fought through so much you can’t expect us to believe that that person is gone. Especially after what happened with Josephine. You can’t just give up.”

“Ai gonplei ste odon.” Clarke says the words as she remembers being on top of the radio tower. “I promised Monty and Harper that we would do better here, and when Monty told me that I couldn’t give up, I didn’t. I—”

“Monty?” Murphy picks his head up and looks at her. “You saw Monty?”

Clarke slowly nods her head. “And Maya, and my father.” She picks at the edge of the blanket and can feel herself wanting to cry again but her body is all cried out. “Monty helped me, well, my memory of Monty helped me when I was trying to find a way to get rid of Josephine.”

“You can’t just give up, Clarke.”

A dry laugh escapes from Clarke’s chapped lips. “We both know you don’t care, Murphy, so why are you still here?”

“Look, I may have a strong sense of self-preservation which makes me an asshole, and I may be a cockroach, but I remember everything. I remember the fucked up shit that happened on the ground, and how every day was a fight to survive. I remember the mob, I remember the virus, I remember _everything_ that happened to us, but I also remember the good times that came with it.”

“All I can remember is the blood.” Clarke whispers and she remembers the first person she killed. _Atom, my mercy kill_. 

“Do you remember liking my cooking?” The question catches Clarke so off guard, she brings her head up to look at him. “Yeah, you remember that don’t you?” A ghost of a smile spreads across Murphy’s lips. “I also remember you taking the nightblood to spare Emori.”

“But that was 130 years ago.” Clarke mumbles as she lays back down in bed. She faces away from Murphy and pulls a pillow towards her. 

“No, it was six and a half years ago.” Murphy gets up and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I saw you the day of the red sun, and I know the pain you’re going through. I’ve been there. Hell, most of us have been there. But if you want to talk—”

“Don’t ostracize yourself by talking to me, Murphy.” Clarke’s voice is barely above a whisper as she says it and, to her surprise, Murphy’s hand comes to rest on her shoulder.

“Since when have I ever given a shit about being part of the masses?” 

A dry snort escapes before Clarke can catch it and she _swears_ she can hear Murphy smirk. He says nothing as he walks out of her room and closes the door behind him. Clarke lays in the darkness, trying to remember some of the better times with the original hundred on the ground before she finally drifts off to sleep.

She doesn’t dream and when she wakes to another knocking on her door, she doesn’t feel very rested either. _Like cryo_. The knock comes again and Clarke finds herself wondering what time it is and if Madi’s eaten dinner yet, but every thought gets knocked out of her mind when she opens the door to a distraught Bellamy.

His hair is sticking up in every direction, his clothes are disheveled, and there a look of mixed pain and anguish on his face that makes Clarke’s heart clench. There’s red rims around his eyes and his face is tear streaked, reminding her of the first time she saw him cry after he killed Dax.

“Bellamy?”

“She’s gone.” His voice is as broken as hers was when she tried talking to Murphy. “Octavia—” His voice breaks and before Clarke has time to think, she moves forward and wraps Bellamy in a hug, completely forgetting that she’s not wearing any pants.

He falls into her and she has to brace herself against his body to keep them both from toppling over. She maneuvers him from the hallway and into the room, shutting the door and flipping on a lamp before wrapping her arms back around him. He cries into her shoulder, his big frame completely engulfing her as he does. The way he cries is similar to how she cried, like he’s completely and utterly broken. 

_Oh, Bellamy_ … “Can you tell me what happened?” Clarke whispers and Bellamy pulls back, his hands still wrapped around her.

“The anomaly came, a girl walked out of it and stabbed Octavia, then the girl disappeared and Octavia vanished in my arms.” More tears well up in Bellamy’s eyes and Clarke’s heart breaks even more. “She died in my arms then disappeared.” 

Clarke pulls Bellamy back down and he buries his head into her neck again. The pain that had been in her chest is a dull ache now, but feeling Bellamy’s pain is something she hasn’t had a lot of experience with since he came back down from the Ark. _I don’t know how to help him_ . She thinks of Echo and how she had been with him when it happened. _Maybe he knows I understand how it feels_ …

“Clarke.” Bellamy’s hand comes up and tangles in her hair and Clarke tightens her hold on him. “She’s gone.”

Hearing him, Clarke’s heart feels like it can’t break anymore. Despite everything, Clarke still loved Octavia. She remembers the girl from under the floor and the fight she had in her. Clarke doesn’t want to believe that she’s just gone. 

Clarke doesn’t say anything as she and Bellamy stand in the room, but she begins to wonder why he isn’t with Echo. Clarke closes her eyes and presses her face against his neck, rubbing his back while he calms down. She can’t tell you how long they stay like that, but even though her back is beginning to hurt from it being bowed, she can’t find it in herself to really care.

When Bellamy’s sobs soften and he starts playing with her hair, Clarke guides him towards the bed and sits him down before she walks over and grabs the pitcher of water and pours some of it into a glass. She hands it to Bellamy without a word, and if he notices the fact that she’s not wearing any pants, then he doesn’t say anything. 

Clarke folds herself onto the bed beside him and pulls the comforter over her lap. Bellamy starts with small sips before tipping the glass up and draining all of its contents. She takes the glass from him and goes to get out of bed when Bellamy’s hand comes to rest on her arm.

“You don’t need to.”

“I know,” Clarke holds up the glass. “I’m thirsty, too.”

“I got it.” Before Clarke can protest, Bellamy takes the glass out of her hand and walks towards the pitcher. _He loses his sister and still tries to do for other people_. Clarke’s heart aches. 

“Thank you.” Clarke takes the glass and sips on it. Bellamy takes up his place beside her on the bed again and without thinking, Clarke reaches out with her free hand and wraps it around his. “We’re going to find her, Bellamy.”

“How?” Bellamy brings his eyes up to meet hers and the sadness that’s in them is depthless. 

“We’re going to go into the anomaly and find her. She’s gone into it and came back, so maybe that’s where she went when she disappeared?”

“But she _died_ , Clarke.” Bellamy shakes his head. “We won’t find her.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke puts the glass down and scoots towards him. “We are going to get answers. And, after what we’ve gone through since being here, I think you know that there’s more to what happened.” 

“But how do you know that?” 

“Because I refuse to believe that after everything we’ve gone through, this is it.” Clarke straights and looks Bellamy in the eyes. “I’m going to help you find your sister, and then—” Clarke stops herself. She was going to say, _and then we’re done_ but she figures that would sound like she’s saying she’s done with him. 

“And then what?” 

“And then, I’m going to try and live in peace.” Clarke whispers. “I think it’s fine for me—us—to let someone else be in charge.”

“But, Clarke,” Bellamy leans forward and urges Clarke to look up at him, “ _we_ are the leaders. _We_ are the ones who protect our people.”

A dry laugh escapes Clarke’s lips and the corners of Bellamy’s mouth turn down even more. “I haven’t saved anyone,” Clarke mumbles more to herself than anything then runs her thumb over Bellamy’s fingers. “I know the faith you have in me, Bellamy, but I can’t do this anymore.”

“Clarke—”

“I want to help you find Octavia, and I’m not going to stop until we do, but I can’t be a leader anymore.”

“You‘ve gone through so much, Clarke. You’re one of the strongest people I know—”

“I’m not saying this to get compliments, Bellamy. I’m telling you _I’m done_. Like I told Murphy, I’m not the same person you remember when you came back to Earth. I don’t want to fight anymore.”

“We don’t have to fight.” Bellamy places his free hand on her knee and leans towards her. “The primes are gone, the people know the truth. We can make a better life for ourselves.”

“How?” Clarke can feel tears prick her eyes again. “How can we make a better life for ourselves when our beginning is already covered in blood and violence?” 

“We mourn, we forgive, and _we keep living_.”

“You still have faith that we can have peace? That we can actually survive here?”

“Well,” a small smile makes its way onto Bellamy’s face, “we’re still breathing.” 

For the first time since she’s seen Bellamy again, she lets herself feel like they’re in the time before Priamfaya. On the edge of whatever they were and what they could have been. She places her free hand on top of the one that’s resting on her knee. 

During their time on earth, Clarke would tell herself that no matter what happened, Bellamy would always be there. Even when he wasn’t talking to her, and when they argued, he was always someone she could trust. Now, looking at him, she wonders how she could’ve ever believed that he had tossed her aside. 

The memory of the first red sun and Bellamy telling her that he didn’t need her anymore comes back, and more tears streak their way down her face. Bellamy reaches up and wipes some of them away, and without Clarke thinking about it, she reaches up and places her hand over his. Clarke can hear his breath catch, and when she looks at him, she sees his walls beginning to crumble. She can see how tired he is ingrained in his face, and the way his eyes cloud after he blinks. 

“When is the last time you slept, Bellamy?”

Bellamy opens his mouth to say something, but closes it, and his jaw twitches. “I don’t remember.”

“You need to sleep.”

“I need to find her.” His eyes are hard when he looks at her, and she can see the same man she landed on the ground with. The stowaway with the rest of the delinquents.

“You’ll be no use to anyone if you pass out while trying to plan.” Clarke brings their hands down and pulls him up into the bed beside her, and he settles over the blankets. “You need to sleep.”

Bellamy lays on his back, one hand resting on his stomach while Clarke holds the other. When she realizes that she never let him go, she pulls her hand back. She knows he’s with Echo, which is why she should probably go find her.

“You can’t tell me that I need to sleep when you need it, too.”

“Bellamy,” Clarke starts, but she’s cut off by a yawn. Heart racing, Clarke pulls the comforter up to her chest and mimics Bellamy with one hand resting across her stomach as she looks up at the blackness. 

They’re both silent for a long time, and when Clarke thinks that Bellamy has gone to sleep, he speaks. “What do you dream of?”

“I haven’t dreamed of anything in a long time,” Clarke murmurs. “It’s only nightmares.”

“What are they about?”

“Everything I’ve done.” Clarke can feel herself beginning to tear up, but she doesn’t wipe them away. “Everyone I’ve hurt. Everyone I’ve lost.”

“We, Clarke.” Bellamy doesn’t look at her, but it’s almost like she can tell what he’s thinking. Like in the beginning. “Everything _we’ve_ done, everyone _we’ve_ hurt, and everyone _we’ve_ lost.”

Clarke doesn’t say anything, but she turns on her side to look at him, and, after a beat, he does the same. “What do you dream of?”

“I don’t. I have the same nightmares as you.” Bellamy murmurs.

“I want to learn to dream again. It took me years to relearn how after I found Shallow Valley, and I’m worried that I’ll never be able to again. Especially since the last time I did I—” Clarke stumbles and looks down at where her fingers are playing with the corner of the pillow. It’s dark in the room, but the little light that’s coming in through the windows lets her see Bellamy’s features. His hand comes to rest beside hers, but they don’t touch.

“I think we can learn again.” 

Clarke looks into his dark eyes, and all of the dreams she had about being in space with Bellamy after Priamfaya resurfaces. Without thinking, she moves her pinky finger out to touch his, and in the darkness of the room she can see him smile slightly.

“Together?”

“Together.”

Clarke closes her eyes, and the only thing that brings her comfort is knowing that Bellamy is beside her. It’s wrong, and she knows that, but they’re not doing anything. They’re doing what they’ve always done, and it’s being each other’s lifeline when they feel like they’re going to drown with the weight of their pasts weighing heavily on their shoulders.

When she was eighteen, she thought that after all of the death and destruction that happened at her—their—hands, she could maybe have Bellamy love her the way she loved him. A love that she doesn’t think she will ever deserve, but one that she wanted. If she could of had anything after Priamfaya, it would have been him. _Because if he loved me back, then maybe I wasn’t the monster that everyone thought of me as_.

Clarke falls asleep with only her and Bellamy’s small fingers touching, even though his is easily twice the size of hers, and she remembers what it was like to hold his hand that day in Polis with the chip in her head. And for the first time in what feels like forever, Clarke actually believes she can dream.

  
  
  
  
  
  


Bellamy wakes to the sound of the door opening, and he expects it to be Madi looking for her mom, but what he’s faced with is Echo. He had fallen asleep to the sound of Clarke’s even breaths and actually dreamed that he was back on the ground, on Earth, and it was the day they landed. _Back when things were easier. Before the grounders came_. Echo’s arms are crossed and she disappears from the doorway.

He glances at Clarke before sliding off the bed and following her. When he enters the hallway, she’s leaning against the far wall, her arms still crossed over her chest. He doesn’t know what to say to her. Technically, they didn’t do anything, but he can’t keep pretending that he doesn’t have feelings for Clarke. 

“Nothing happened,” is what comes out of his mouth.

“I know.”

“You do?” Bellamy raises an eyebrow and Echo nods.

“You may be a lot of things, Bellamy, but a cheater is not one of them. Well, at least not physically.”

“Echo—”

“Look, I get it Bellamy.” Echo levels her gaze on him. “I was on the ring with you. I saw how losing her affected you. I watched you mourn her for years, and then I watched you close yourself off. When you came to my room that night, I knew you were looking for a way to move on, and I accepted that. But you love her in a way you could never love me, and I don’t think I could love you that way, either.”

“What do you mean?”

A small smile plays on Echo’s lips. “Had the Earth not been destroyed, I’m sure the story of the two of you would have been passed down for years. The story of the Rebel King and his Princess.” She laughs lightly. “Anyone could see it, it seems, except the two of you. Everyone knew that in order to get to Wanheda, all they had to do was threaten you, and the same was true the other way around.”

Bellamy can’t say anything, because he knows she’s right. “I’m sorry, Echo.”

“I know.” Echo pushes off the wall and stands before him, a slight smile still on her face. “But I knew this was going to happen the day you found out she was alive.”

“I did love you, back on the ring,” Bellamy mumbles and Echo’s smile widens as she reaches up to brush back a few of his curls.

“And I loved you. But I believe we both just needed someone then.”

“Think we can still be friends?”

“You’re still my family. I’ll make sure Madi has eaten dinner.” Echo shrugs and lets her hand drop as she walks down the hall, leaving Bellamy staring after her. 

When she’s gone, Bellamy turns around and goes back into the bedroom. His eyes aren’t adjusted to the dark, but he can see the shine of Clarke’s blonde hair and it helps him make his way to the other side of the bed. When he gets closer, he can see face scrunched together and there’s a deep line between her eyebrows. 

“Mnh.” Clarke’s head turns away and Bellamy slides back into the bed. It sounds like she’s whimpering. “Nuh—”

“Clarke, hey.” Bellamy reaches out and runs his hand over her arm. Her blue eyes blink open and find his, a slight pout playing on her lips.

“Did you have a nightmare?”

“Yeah.” Clarke runs a hand over her face. “But it was nice before that.” 

“I can tell you a story to help you go back to sleep,” Bellamy offers, and the corners of Clarke’s mouth turn upwards.

“What story?”

“It’s a story about a Rebel King and his Princess.” He smiles.

“ _His_ princess?” Clarke raises an eyebrow. “And what makes him think he has any claim over her?”

“He doesn’t,” he admits, “but he’s been hers for as long as he can remember.” 

Clarke doesn’t say anything, but Bellamy can see her eyes begin to shine. So, he talks. He starts with the day everyone got sent to the ground, and walks through their days together. He doesn’t leave anything out when he talks about him realizing he was attracted to her and how it evolved into love. He spent months on the ring writing down the delinquents’ time together, but he left it behind when they went back to the ground.

He’s not sure where this is going to leave them when they wake up in the morning, but he knows they can handle it. With everything they’ve been through together, he can’t get her back only to never tell her how he feels. He’s done that once, and he’s never going to do that again. Bellamy is hers and she is his, and even though everyone except them can see it, he’s not going to let that happen again. 

He can’t. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope they become canon.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Like I said, I listened to a song and came up with this, so it was a short one shot, but I love getting feedback!
> 
> I hope you liked it!  
> Xx
> 
> You can find me on...  
> Tumblr: xxawalkinwonderlandxx  
> Twitter: awalknwonderlnd


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